Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
a lot to unpack here
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Just a phase…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs