Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Never forget.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.