Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.