There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
oppen heimer style lol
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours