Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
john wicks are toilet candles
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
What’s a Messi?
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt