FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..