CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Okay
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.