KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Tammy is short for Tamuel
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?