The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Every time my phone rings
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I wish this was real life…
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.