Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
🖤✌🏽
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*