me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground