I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Banking tips
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*