Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?