My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Lucky old June.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad