Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.