Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
good morning
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing