Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less