Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Do not steal food from the science building!
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
#MeanwhileInCanada
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.