If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Isn’t
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Golf would be better with landmines.