My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Just me?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I can’t stop laughing at this
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.