My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.