They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Yup!
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.