so much to do
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!