Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT