Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.