Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me checking my bank balance online.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”