Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey