Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
handsome & gretel
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Dolls on drugs
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.