what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
termite twitter scares me
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.