*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke