Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.