I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate