judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.