To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.