It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
cause of death:
autopsy.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Does your wife know you’re single?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.