My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
<—- homeless romantic
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.