The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.