Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*