Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Meow
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I just ran a .003048K
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.