Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
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two people or more is called a problem
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
saw this in a dream
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
You had me at “define legal”.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!