Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
he looks great for his age
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon