Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person