If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
want me to check your oil?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers