was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.