[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
You Might Also Like
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.