me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I have a new favorite meme page
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*