I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby