I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.