*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
we’re gonna need another temp
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
my first day as a raccoon
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?