My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You Might Also Like
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!